My First Love...........

Ok! After reading "Fate" someone politely reminded me that I'd left out my first love, purposely - obviously due to sentimental reasons .. ;o)..! And to top it all, my first love also read it and took offence. So, this goes out for my first love .... (only hope my wife doesn't take offence to this now .... too much "offence", no? Why don't people love more? And now don't say, "Wasn't 5 times enough?" ...(actually there were more.... ) :o)

Chalo, here goes! Had just finished with my Xth and had put in my best (very unlike me, who is a complete shammer!) and scored very nice marks (my dad was shocked and gave it off to the person who got my marks for having noted down someone else's marks) - very nice according to my standards, below average according to my brothers standards and outstanding according to the standards that dad expected of me! So, basically it was party time! Here I was - all of 15 years of age ... ready to take on the world .....and without a girl! What could be worse! So I chanced to go to Deogarh (one of Shivji's something something) and prayed to the Lord to grant me my jeevan saathi! And Lo Behold! The Gods were pleased - a day after I landed home came this beautiful girl alongwith her parents to "call on" us! She was new in town -I took it on from there .... !

We met a couple of times and used to talk a lot on the phone (which I later came to know was a bigger hit than the 9 o'clock serial in the telephone exchange!!). So one night I confessed my love to her. I think it was something like, "I love you" and before I could ask her if she did too, she left! She left me standing there and went home! There I was, standing in the middle of the road, outside her house, looking at the moon and wondering if I'd gone wrong somewhere. My friend hiding in the bush closeby (for moral support) came out and gave me a kick! 5 minutes later I was ringing her bell and giving her mom some story about the school! Managed to get her out and she admitted that she loved me too! The stars suddenly shone brighter and the moon dazzled or was it her smile! The winds swayed to a music straight out of my heart and flowers bloomed as if it were spring, spreading their fragrance or was it the perfume she wore! (before my wife kicks me, let me continue). So we were officially "boyfriend and girlfriend"! We continued to enthrall the audience in the telephone exchange with our sweet nothings :o) on the telephone! I'd go to her house to "help her out with her studies" when her Dad would go to office and Mom to school! Just that once when we were helping out each other, her Dad landed up. I jumped out of her balcony like the cow jumped over the moon (she used to stay on the first floor) and fled! Thankfully he didn't come to know! The adventurous Sindbad somewhere inside got the better of me and I landed up in her house again! And so did her Dad! It was slightly difficult convincing him that we were studying but I think, for her sake, he bought the story. Nice guy!

Anyways, we decided to lay off my antics for some time after that. So after a long break (I think three days!!!), I gave her a call and told her that I was coming to meet her that night at midnight (just for the effect of it and not coz i am a sardar!). So at 11:30 that night I left my house dressed in navy blue (I didn't have anything in black), armed with a table knife to ward off any other night riders like me! And my mom tried to solve the mystery of the missing khisko knife for the next two weeks, I lost it on my way back).

After walking across a church and graveyard (Britishers - 1857) which would give the bravest of the brave creeps, I reached her house at dot 11:45 and started to climb the pipe outside her window! Just as I managed to reach the ledge outside her window, the midnight show at the theatre closeby got over and there I was - standing against a typical whitewashed "white" wall of government accomodation in "navy blue" praying to all the Gods I knew to hide me somehow from the seemingly endless sea of people! Miracles do happen and after the last guy left (the movie must have been really bad or God would have actually held their chins straight!) I knocked at her window. As soon as she saw someone outside her window she shrieked! Thankfully before her dad came to the room I was able to convince her that it actually was me and not some burgular. So, she gave some story to her dad about ..... (don't quite remember, if you're reading this please leave a reply in the comments) something and he left! Our romance spoke through the grills and the mosquito mesh outside her window and she begged me to leave! So much for my 20 minute walk through the graveyard! Anyways, I left and our "dates" continued for some time till her dad got posted out! The postal department took over where the telephone exchange left till one fine day she vanished! Just like that. Damn the postal department! (Actually not so bad also coz I later met so many other nice people and my wife too - I better make up!).

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Kahani abhi baaki hai mere dost! We met again zillions of years later at a golf course. I'd just won a tournament and failed to recognize her! So much for my first love!

Thats a different story that my wife was standing next to me and also that we are good friends now!

A Dream .......

I have a dream ... no.... nothing like "of a country where men will not be judged from the colour of their skin but by their hearts" ... am only human! Martin was more ..

Years ago, a fathers happiness moved a son to join what he hated....... years later, as life progressed as did his family .. what was a passion turned into a profession! Reasoning and logic took over where once feelings and passion ruled! And was born the dream.....

I dream that one day when my son chooses his destiny he will not have to choose it to make a living but to choose a way of life! I dream that my generations to come will not go through what I have for living a life that I am - they will "live" life and not compromise! I dream that they will have only to give and nothing to take! I dream of a world for them where there are no desires but only fulfilment! I dream that they will share the same compassion and love that I took a harsher route to reach without going through the hardships that I did! I dream that they will dream of their future and not fight out their "today"! I dream of a legacy and life for them that my forefathers lived .. I may have been at the bottom of the cycle but the wheel must rotate and the rise will come! I dream of that rise for them! I dream that they reflect on mistakes that their fathers and forefathers made and learn from them! I dream of a tomorrow where I can sit in my garden and play with my grandchildren! I dream of them and their lives to come! I dream that they love their ancestors the same way I do! I dream that I live to see and experience that love! I dream that one day when I lie counting my last breaths, I can reflect upon and feel proud of what I did and what I leave behind! I dream that what I leave behind will be a legacy and not a liability!

I dream ...... I dream .....

........and pray that God gives me the strength and courage to fulfill my dreams! For what use is a dream if it is not realised!

Sai....

Once during the time that followed our "episode" in Leh and before we became "man & woman", my love came to visit me in Devlali. So we borrowed a bike from a friend and decided to make a trip to Shirdi to seek baba's blessings! The trip was fun and we had a nice darshan thanks to the VIP passes that the fauj affords you. On our way back it started to rain.. and we took shelter under a tree. Soon it began to grow dark and since we didn't want to be struck in the middle of no where in the dark we decided to proceed in the dark. But the bike won't start! My friend had not kept any tools in the bike so I couldn't tinker around also. In a spot, we started pushing the bike hoping to find atleast some civilisation near by. In our various experiments to start the machine, I hurt my leg and it started to bleed. We came across a slope which went down to a ramshakle hut and so we pushed it down the slope hoping to start it with the momentum but the damn thing was way too stubborn. So we gave up and took shelter under that thatched hut. A guy came out and offered a towel, a lady followed (we later came to know that she was his sister) and offered to take Di inside to change and dry up.

I asked him if there was any mechanic near by and it turned out that he himself was one!!! He repaired our bike while we sipped warm tea and dried ourselves... We thanked him and left soon after that and reached home safely.

The next time we visited Shirdi, I had my own car and wanted to stop by our friends house and thank him for all his help. Somehow, then and during many trips we made after that, we could never locate that house......

Then and during many other incidents Baba touched our lives and continues to do so .... whether when it was my son who was seriously ill, his voice would say, " Why worry when i am looking after him?" or when our marriage went through a rough patch or the many trials that anyone faces in his day to day life, He was and is there! Always telling me to work hard and leave the rest to him!

God and Religion

Long long ago when lightening struck somewhere, the cave man was frightened and so worshiped the rain god so that there maybe rain and not thunder. Droughts further compounded the problem! Then there was fire to burn and cook - water to drink and sweep away villages during floods and a whole lot of elements which arose from need and fear to become supernatural and in some civilisations - superhuman! Thus arose God - in the form many perceive even today - something which was to be appeased and feared ...... and not used to show the correct path when in need.
Over the ages many a great saint came and tried to show the correct path , they succeeded while they were there but after they left with full faith in their followers, greed and lust for power took over again and everything was back to square one!
So started the trend of leaving manuscripts - something that could be left in black and white. But that too was interpretted to ones advantage and convenience.....

So what is the correct path ... who is God ... what is right and what is wrong? How do i correct myself?
Well, here goes ......
The correct path is the path of truth (not righteousness or religion... we haven't discussed it as yet)...... Truth - which you believe in. Truth - which doesn't hurt anyone. Truth - which does not make you feel ashamed of anything or make you justify your actions to yourself! Lets limit the correct path to this as of now....

Who is God? God is you and god is me! God is the good in you and the good in me. God is the quality in you that inspires me and gives me strength ... to either follow what you are doing or avoid it! So whatever you do, there is God in you! We just have to see , feel and embrace it! If God were in a stone then it wouldn't stand mute to happenings .... the story behind the stone is where God lies ... draw inspiration from it and God will be there helping you help yourself! God is not in the book, for the printing press and the beed which holds it would be the luckiest of all... God is in what is written in the book.
So don't waste time or effort bathing the stone with milk or covering the book with satin or silk! But when you bow before it , bow before the values that it teaches and imbibe them. Ask not God to help you out but to make you strong enough to help yourself! Draw inspiration from God. Take god everywhere... take him to your office (if a statue there helps you to remember NOT him but his values, place it there .. choose whoever you like the best ... we have hundreds to choose from!). Take him everywhere (and i mean everywhere) for what is hidden from him! What do you have to be ashamed of or hide? What is there to despise or love - for everything is him or his creation! Love everything and you have loved him!

Lastly, have faith in him, in his teachings and his powers (which he wants you to use) and you will find miracles happening! If you want something, have faith (and i mean complete and blind faith) and it will be yours. Have faith in God and the values that he inspires in you, so when you have faith in him, you actually have faith in yourself and work towards it with full honesty and truthfullness - it will happen! As my wife says, if you will something to happen bad enough - the whole universe conspires to make it happen!

So we have three things with us - Truth , Love and Faith! Three simple things - and God is yours and you are his!
So, some people tell me that we are human and there are naturally going to be desires, wants and greed! I say what is wrong with that! Fulfill all your desires - money, sex, power - whatever you dream of! But use the honest (or truthful) means for it! Its not that if you use the wrong means you will not attain God - you still will - someday! Its just that you will be at peace much sooner if you choose the other path ..... and the pleasure that peace gives you is much greater than power, money or sex!
So, there are two paths (as always) - one which is tough and one which is easy! The tougher one asks you to discipline yourself and preaches contentment and satisfaction within ones means - you reach the goal faster and happier in this! The easier one asks you to run after all that you desire - have your fill of them all (as we have avasthas in the vedas or what Osho in recent times tried) and then come back to where the first path led. If you are at the crossing or the starting point of the two paths - you may find the second one better - for atleast you sampled and had a fill of all that is there to enjoy in this world. But as much as you will enjoy, you will find tougher to get back to that point where God is - for you have to reach that point! The first path also wants you to enjoy everything but in a disciplined and controlled manner - the choice is yours! For whatever you do - it will be nullified or paid for - in terms of good or bad in this life itself!

So, its as simple as can be .. follow this and you have attained peace ... contentment ... and God!

God Bless!

(for all my readers from the fairer sex .... "him" has just been used for easier writing purposes!) God is above it all ... so........... please bear with me :o)

Love....

What is love.......?

Is love the understanding betweeen two people when they don't have to speak to be understood? Is love the feeling that engulfs you when you are separated from someone? Is love the things (which later on seem damn silly) that you do for someone to make him/her feel special? Is it the pain that is left behind when someone is annoyed and leaves you alone? Maybe love is the protectiveness and care that you shower on someone..... or the void in life without him/her....
Is being possessive about someone also love? Maybe love is when you place his/her desires ahead of your own. Maybe love is that caring touch, the innocent kiss, the endearing words wispered in your ears or the tears wept in sorrow.... Maybe love is when you feel you could conquer the whole world for someone. Maybe it is when you are ready to break old ties to forge newer ones. Maybe it is remembering each night spent in each others arms, each bus ride or movie show. Maybe loves is when you know that a loved one is unwell or in a spot without having spoken to him/her and the uneasy feeling that follows. Maybe it is talking with each other for hours in a day or that one small message which doesn't say anything but conveys everything. Maybe it is that gift you want to get someone even if it means spoiling your budget for the whole month. Maybe it is when you want each day to end after you've heard someone and you know that they are fine. Maybe it is the happiness you feel when you see your loved one happy .... even if with someone else....... for love is unconditional and not based of "ifs" and "buts" - Its based on "always" and "forevers" irrespective of what the consequences and the repurcussions are, irrespective of whether the other person loves you or hurts you, irrespective of what the world thinks about you, him/her and the two of you.

Fate

In 1993, I cleared my 10th and wanted to take up commerce in 11th. The school did not have commerce stream in it. I took up science.
Shifted to Delhi in 1994 and took special permission from CBSE for Bio with ECONOMICS!!! The school couldn't accomodate my periods!
Cleared the admission to College of Business Studies, New Delhi for BBA. Chose to join army instead.
Joined a correspondence course for MBA in 2008. Well, lets see if this attempt succeeds or fate.....


Hated army..... Used to dissuade everyone from joining it. Would laugh at (then cadet) Anuj Nayyar whenever he would come on leave that he'd joined a useless organisation. Little did I know that one fateful day in Dec I would be buying stuff at the Gole Market in NDA alongwith him! (He later died in the Kargil Conflict). So, joined NDA as a Naval Cadet with the 95th course.
The second attempt for NDA exam, applied for Army with the 96th course.
Got relegated to the 96th course in 1996. Was adamant that would still join the Navy though a lot of wellwishers and friends asked me to change over to Army then. Refused!
1999, three months before passing out, applied for change of service to Army. Faught with the highest level in NDA for the same. Was commissioned in the olive in 2000! Fate........?



Love struck in college but the girl was being pressurised to get married and I was too chicken to commit....... Fell in love the second time with this terrific girl while in NDA. She refused ..... Got over it (and some attempts from her side to reconcile) and fell in love again.... this time with this wonderful, beautiful girl who was an engineering student. Families played spoilsport and I backed out. (wonder if she's forgiven me....)
Met my life on the rebound! All attempts to persuade family failed and asked her to come to Leh. It was month end and we were broke....... The airlines chipped in and offered a free ticket in lieu of miles earned. Was deputed to go to Leh (from Kargil) for two days. But she missed her flight .... some tears and a sob story about a husband in hospital from a shelling wound later, she was running down the tarmac at Delhi airport to catch the flight.
Went to every possible place of worship to get married .... from a gurudwara to a buddhist monastry with many Shiva and Kali temples thrown in! Everyone refused.....
Finally a Sikh Sabha (in Leh of all the places) agreed to marry us! We got married (28 Sep 2001) and she caught the next flight back. The marriage was only a message to everyone of our committment and love for each other. We didn't live together for almost two years till the marriage was formally solemnised in Mar 2003 (one and a half years after our supposed marriage in Leh) and are happily married now! Fate..........................?


(more to come......)

For My Love....

This place is beautiful....... tea plantations on lush green rolling hills. The sun peeping through the clouds painting the countryside in different hues of green....
Birds chirping amongst the trees and bushes... dew drops lend a magical touch to the sunlight.
Everything is perfect................ almost!
Theres just one thing missing in this paradise..... YOU!

Missing you sweets and wish you were here.

(While training at CITS, Tezpur!)

Rishte

kyun kabhi kabhi kissi se kuchh sun-ne ko dil taras jaata hai? kyun kaano mein kissi ki aawaaz goonjti hai...? kya kissi se kuchh apeksha rakhna jayaz hai? insaan kissi ke liye kiss hadd tak jaa sakta hai? kya do logon ke beech mein hadein bhi hoti hain? agar haan toh yeh kaise rishte....? aur agar nahin toh rishton mein shartein kyun hoti hain? aur agar yeh galat hai toh jiss rishte mein shartein ho woh kya kehlaaye ga? agar kissi ko samjhaane ke bawajood aapki bhawanaon ki kadr na ho toh kya aisi bhawnaon ko khatam nahi kar dena chahiye?

aisa kyun hota hai ke jab kissi ke saath ki zaroorat ho tab woh sab se door hote hain?
faasle itne kyun hote hain? kyun koyee jab chahe tab kissi se ussi pal mil nahi sakta? kyun itne apno ke hote hue bhi kissi aur ki yaad aati hai? kyun inn "apno" ko chhoone se ghabrata hai dil? kya yeh apne hi hote hain yaan apno ki paribhasha kuchh aur hi hai? kyun dil kissi se kuchh kehna chahta hai lekin kabhi keh nahi paata? kya jisse woh kehna chahta hai woh sab samajh leta hai? kyun bina kahe hi kayee lafz aur khayaal bayaan ho jaate hain? kya joh inhe samajh lete hein woh "apne" hote hain? aur agar woh "apne" hain toh woh mujhse itna door kyun hain? aur joh mere paas hain aur "apne" kehlate hain ...... woh kaun hain?

sawaal.....

aaj na jaane kyun dil ne poochha ke zindage kaun sa khel khel rahi hai.......

yeh kiss ki laraee lar rahe hain? kyun khoon behta hai?

kya aapne kabhi khoon dekha hai? kissi ke shareer se behta hua khoon....... paani aur khoon mein sirif rang ka antar..... kissi din yeh khoon humara yaan humare saathi ka bhi ho sakta hai.....agar haan toh hum iss mein saathi kyun hain? kya yeh sahi hai? kya yeh humara mustaqbil hai? kya humari taqdeer mein yehi likha hai? kya kamyaabi paane mein insaan itna andha ho jaata hai ke usse kissi ki jaan ki ahmiyat nahi rehti? kya yeh kamyaabi hai? kya hum iss ke peechhe bhaag rahe hain? aur agar yeh hi humari manzil hai toh kya hum iss manzil ko paana bhi chahte hain? aaj phir iss zindagi aur iss mein chal rahe iss chakravyuh parr sawaal utthe.... yeh arjun se hum abhimanyuh kabb bann gaye ..............



aur agar yeh mahabharat hi hai toh humara saarthi kahan hai.............